She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
