Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
