Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
