Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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