Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
