I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
