Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
