In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
