Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
