I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want to be your penis for a week.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
