The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
