Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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