i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
