Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
