i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
