At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize