I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize
