I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
