I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
