This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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