why didn't you poke me back
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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