i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
