Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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