walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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