Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
