hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I can text with my tongue
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
