rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
