Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
