There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
