and you said cock pushups were impossible
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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