oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
