Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
