I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
