so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
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