he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
