I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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