You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she peed on how many people?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
