i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i now understand why vodka
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize