LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
