Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
