Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
