i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
