Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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