He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
