My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
