you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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