you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
