i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
