I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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