I can't watch pbs sober anymore
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
