She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
