I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
