The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
