you guys were way drunker than both of me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize