You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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