Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize