i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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