to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
