shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You need a sexual gate keeper
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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