She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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