wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize