my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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