I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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