1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
