Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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