your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize