just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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