I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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