It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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