A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
