So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
