I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize