i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize