really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
