my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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