1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize