this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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