The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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