Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
